Driving up the Hollendewagenweg (Rolling Wagon Street – real name!), I never suspected such an oasis hiding in the middle of the long-stretched meadows. Here we find a warm and welcoming place full of discovery and beauty.
Last week, Pentecost weekend, I spent in a former nunnery near Utrecht, called Samaya, for a workshop Self Image and Emotions lead by Paul Loomans, Zen monk and owner of De Stressontknoping. (the Stress denouement). A beautiful 3-day workshop with 14 wonderful and open hearted people, together discovering more about ourselves and the emotions that we are feeling (or have been trying not to feel). Also every morning and evening we practiced an hour of Zen meditation and started the day with some light yoga. And we had a meal in silence, a meal where I felt more connected to the group than I did when everyone was talking and the fantastic meals could be tasted even more profoundly. The food at Samaya is made with love and all vegetarian organic ingredients. Every dish looked beautiful, decorated with flowers and other goodies from the garden. It was a joy for the body and soul.
https://flic.kr/s/aHsmEc3twb
Link to the photographs of this weekend
Samaya
It is hard to imagine that this open place was the last Slotklooster (locked monastry) of The Netherlands.
Samaya (Sanskrit) means ont-moeting in Dutch – which translates to something like disambiguation. No longer “having to”, no musts. In Dutch ontmoeting also means meeting someone else, so it has a beautiful double meaning.
Wandering through Samaya you will discover a lot of attention and love in it’s energy (it feels so peaceful here!) and you can also see it in the beautiful details designed and/or made by Sister Theofoor. The simple table with its thick top next to your bed turns out to be a stool on which sisters sat during meals. The bright room in which we work was designed by her and this studio was built at the monastery to give her the space to make her art. The table we eat at, the fencing in the chapel, paintings on the wall, woven and embroidered wall hangings, pots and dishes, silverware …all sprung from the creativity of this multi-talented Sister.
And as icing on the cake she also designed the gorgeous garden and designated the precise place for all the trees that now fifty years later harmonize so well with each other and have you experience a different landscape time and again. Such a vision! A true artist, though ofcourse nature is it’s own greatest architect.
Done with feeling okay
So another workshop weekend, more self work. Am I such a mess I here you ask? Well no. No more or less than any of you. We are all perfect messes aren’t we? And though I can’t complain and am coping quite well, I am fed up with “okay” and “coping”. These I realize now are just the voices keeping me away from my primary emotions, pain and fear. The voices in my head are very skilled at justifying and hushing everything I feel. No, no more! I want to dare to feel fully again, to live fully, to live my best life possible. And at the moment I am just not. I am going through the motions and time is creeping by.
Work in progress
For me it is important to keep growing, evolving and to keep working on myself. We are all a work in progress, though contradictory, we are also all perfect who and where we are at right now. I think it is important to live life as the best version of yourself you can be at this moment. We take one step forward, and sometimes two steps back. This is fine as long as we are aware of this and course correct. Breathe and keep walking our path.
At the moment I feel I have hit a wall, as I am shedding skin, peeling away layers, now suddenly the ego panics and feels threatened and I run into old pains again, trying to stop me from growing, trying to keep me safe…so I freeze and can’t shake this unsettling feeling. I have been in this state of numbness for a while now and I want to break through.
Old patterns
Our old and familiar pains were born the day we came to this planet and have been confirmed throughout our lives, by ourselves and the people around us. A lot of us have the feeling of not being good enough, not being seen, not being heard. I have lived a pattern of rejection, being bullied, neglected, shunned, molested by others and finally by myself. I was made into and allowed myself to become an outsider. Now years later I started to believe this and I am projecting this (unconsciously) outward, so this is confirmed in my current life again and again. That is why I am alone and feel lonely. Because I keep myself away from life, I have come to reject it, like I feel it has rejected me. So I am reliving old pain over and over. And rejecting this old pain over and over, thus never fully healing it.
Most of us live from out heads and make choices with our minds, causing us to struggle with the obstructive thoughts and feelings of guilt that stop us from living the way we really want: more from our feelings, our hearts, our essence.
Emotions
Emotions (energies in motion) arise from our interpretation of a situation. We observe something and that interpretation arises from our own frame of reference. The emergence of emotions is a consequence of our interpretation. If we attach a different label to an event, then a different emotion is created immediately and therefore a different outcome. It is particularly reassuring that we can influence this ourselves. Emotions are often a jumble of moments from the past, present and the future and are either healing or stressful.
The four basic emotions are also called primary emotions. They are also recognizable in animals and are probably formed by the oldest part of our brain: the primary brain. Primary emotions are joy, love, pain and fear and are deeply rooted and we use these emotions faster in reactions. Think of reflexes. They are, as it were, primitive emotions. In addition to the four primary emotions, we also have secondary emotions. These are feelings that emerge from the first four emotions with a more complex process. It is about emotions that require more thinking. These emotions can be found in a “newer” part of the brain. We are talking about feelings such as falling in love, nervousness, frustration, disappointment or shame. These emotions arise as a more complex form on top of the four basic emotions. Only when we start thinking about a primary emotion does a secondary emotion arise. Shame, for example, stems from the fear of not being accepted by the environment. You fill in what someone else would think about you. A secondary emotion such as shame has then evolved into a more complex expression of the basic emotion Fear.
Primary and secondary emotions
First of all the function of emotions are signaling, they direct us to pay attention or to feel connected. There is no judgement in pure emotions, they just are. Secondary emotions cover the primary emotions because they are too large and painful.
Emotions in themselves are not right or wrong. In our society we have a tendency, for example, to label the emotion Happiness as positive and Anger as negative. But all emotions have the same right to exist, because they each have their own function. For example, Angry teaches you to set limits. Anger warns you of danger and prevents you or others from harming or hurting you. Happiness works as a motivator to do something and Grief helps you to mourn. It is more about your emotions being balanced. Only the emotion itself is not positive or negative, but the way you deal with it. An emotion is a tool. A thing to use.
Emotions are waves
An emotion arises like a wave and will quickly peak. If we go with that flow and don’t fight the wave, the wave will slowly break and and decrease until it returns to the Sea of Rest and Trust. When we fight the wave we actually feed the wave, which will build and build and become more powerful. Another image is that it is like feeding the flame, when we keep adding thoughts to the fire, we will keep it strong instead of leaving the flame to slowly die by itself.
I don’t want this
So it is important to let an emotion be, to let it subside and not try to fix it with your head. Strong voices in your head may scream “I don’t want this”, but it is important to feel the emotions, to stop fighting. If you don’t want to feel primary emotions for any reason, two things can happen (or both alternately). You become a “walking head.” You separate your head from your body so that you do “everything” on ratio. This makes you feel emotions less. You turn down the “volume control” of the ability to feel and emotions will come in less powerful. Unfortunately, positive emotions are also reduced. So then you will need adrenaline, endorphine, alcohol or sugar to feel alive, because you have flattened yourself. If you do not want to feel your primary emotions, they can also be converted into secondary emotions. Secondary emotions cover the primary emotions because they are too large and painful. So it is easier to be angry than to feel that you have been rejected and hurt. Other common secondary emotions and coping mechanisms are: being indignant, complaining, victim behavior, being permanently insecure, feeling depressed, trying to numb out, worrying, downplaying, etc. These emotions and behaviors are long-lasting. Secondary emotions can last for hours, evenings, weeks, months or sometimes even years. The reason for this is that they stop you from reaching the healing layer. They are guarding your way to your deepest emotions so you can face them and heal them.
The true emotion
We may recognize pure primary emotions in others more easily than with ourselves. If we feel drama and drained by other people’s emotions, this is the second layer of emotions and not the true heart of the primary emotion showing itself. When we feel touched by other’s emotions, this is the heart, this is the true emotion coming up to be released and healed. It is often more difficult to feel this in ourselves, because we are so used to our secondary emotions.
Loving kindness
It is important to recognize that the voice in our head giving commentary on how we feel is not there to trick us even though it is not very useful. It is trying to protect us and it has been with us since we were small. We created that voice to protect us from whatever made us feel unsafe. Only now we are adults and that child’s voice is still running our lives so it is important to observe this, not reject it, but hear it and say to yourself with compassion: “I recognize this old mechanism”. Know that it is old and no longer relevant. Keep doing this over and over, every time you are triggered. Stop feeding the flame, observe. Stop fighting, smile at this part of you, take the tension off and look at it as a game.
Allergic reaction
If you have a powerful reaction to something, this means you have hit on an old pain, you have been triggered. Being aware and prepared of what triggers you helps you stop your automatic response in these kind of situations. And you can see this as the perfect invitation to feel you primary pain and to heal it. When old wounds from childhood are touched, they hurt again, so that we react as if we are allergic. And this happened quite quickly into the weekend when we did an exercise where the whole group had to pretent to laugh out loud and boy did this trigger a response in me. Instead of laughing I nearly cried, remembering how often I have been laughed at by large groups of people. So this was perfect to show itself this weekend (not that I was welcoming it at the time – I just wanted to leave the room!). Even though old wounds may be processed, the sensitivity to similar situations will continue to exist. So it is good to know your allergies so you can be prepared. You will be able to process it faster and take it less seriously, but the very first reaction can still be surprisingly intense. It is useful to know your own allergies as well as those of your partner and other people in your immediate area. They can then take into account and not unknowingly defy you. Also observe when your partner or other people show allergic reactions. You can be extra careful in the future.
I am welcome
After doing lots of exercises together, role plays, meditation, affirmations, journaling (and getting out of bed in the middle of the night with insights and pennies dropping I could finally pinpoint my main wound, my main belief and that is I am not welcome. Just saying it out loud made me cry. My old wound, the one that triggers me and has left a red thread throughout my life is the wound of not feeling welcome. And because I carry this wound around, I see this reflected everywhere in my life. Even though this is not true.
Primary emotions are linked to an event or a wound. Primary emotions are short and intense. They are often only 10 seconds to about 2 minutes. In addition, primary emotions “heal” you. So you do not push the emotions away, but you really sense them, so that they “dissolve”. I am not saying that this is fun, but that it is useful. In the “most recent version of yourself” you can allow this for up to 2 minutes. You will see the pain or fear will ebb away.
Trust
One of the many exercises we did was one to practice returning to a state of trust and surrender we had to let ourselves be guided by another participant, blindfolded through the garden. Some people struggled, but I was happy to sense that I trusted quite easily and let myself be led without struggle, though part of me scolded myself for this as I often feel I trust to easily and am to easy going. But also this thought I looked at with curiosity and kindness and made me smile. At the end of the walk we arrived at a beautiful labyrinth. We all took our blindfolds off and started walking the path. I took my time as I find walking labyrinths a sacred experience, not to be taken light hearted and without intention. I guess that is the perfect metaphor for how I experience life.
Walking the labyrinth
The labyrinth has the same design as the one in Chartres. It is not a maze, a maze is a puzzle and you can get lost in. A labyrinth is a single path meandering endlessly to and away from the middle. Sometimes you think you are almost there, but only to be lead back to outer edge of the labyrinth. Sometimes you may feel it never ends and it is a trick. And then all of the sudden you are there, in the middle.
Here we exchanged experiences, most people experienced resistance, impatience, and some felt a peace and quiet come over them. I was in the latter group. I love just focusing on one step after the other, enjoying the cadence of the walk. Knowing full well that the goal is not the end, when you get to the middle you have to go back or continue somewhere else. You can’t stay there. And such is life. It is not about where we go, but where and how we are now. The path is underneath our feet. It is about surrender and release, without thoughts and struggle weighing us down, it doesn’t matter how far the goal may seem, focusing on this only makes the walk harder and less pleasant. If you let go you will get there and you will have had a great time along the way. Enjoy the sound of the pebbles beneath your feet, feel the sunshine on your hair and hear the birds sing. Life is beautiful! Never forget, the goal is the path itself.
Balance
I am a firm believer in balance, in two sides of the coins. I am not afraid of facing my shadow, it is part of myself as I don’t believe in just beautiful and positive feelings: we live in a world of dualities. The harder push the nasty feelings away and state there should only be positive feelings, the harder the negative emotions fight back. As a person you can learn to deal with emotions from both sides. You “must” also be able to withstand displeasure, guilt, shame etc. Stay honest with yourself. The trick is to learn to feel uncomfortable and still remain connected to yourself (and the other). Feelings are not good or bad. They are just there. However, people tend to cling to their emotions. They confuse the feeling with their identity, but you are not angry, you have anger. The feeling is only temporary and passes. That you feel scared does not mean that you are a frightened person. There are probably enough moments when you don’t react anxiously, so don’t label yourself or anyone else. Accepting your emotions and acknowledging other people’s feelings contributes to a healthy emotional development. The keyword is BALANCE. Too much or too little of something is never good.
Never forget that the Sea of Peace and Trust where no negative or positive emotion exists is always present for you to return to.
Thank you for sharing this space with me and making me feel welcome.
