Hello, how are you?
Are you feeling the Venus-Cheiron conjunction? This time brings up relationship wounds and shows us yet another layer of healing. Cheiron is the Wounded Healer and this time is an opportunity for feeling the emotions (instead of pushing them away and numbing them down) and loving ourselves and supporting ourselves more, for being more ourselves, without needing the approval of others. Because deep down we all have a need to fit in and be approved of. Or at least feel seen and recognized as we don’t live in a vacuum. So yes probably a lot of us are feeling lonely at this time. And in this blogpost I share with you what is coming up for me and I hope it helps you to feel less alone. You are not the only one going through this.
Grief
Also a lot of grief over loneliness and abandonment are now coming up for healing for me.
I hope you had a lovely Easter. Usually a time spent with family, which may have brought up all sorts of triggers in you.
In The Netherlands we celebrate two days of Easter.
On the first day I visited my cousin to greet his third newborn. The little boy is beautiful. And though I am very happy for them and I never planned to start a family myself, it does make me feel inadequate and lonely (though I am not envious of or unhappy for my cousin). I am older than he is and I live alone, I don’t even have a cat! He has a girlfriend, three children and is moving into a beautiful house. Now to be fair I wouldn’t want to trade, but I did feel a pinch in my heart and my mind wanders to how my life could have been had I made other choices. And yes my life is my choice, but not all of it was conscious, a lot of our lives are formed by old wounds and my core wound is not feeling accepted and welcome, not worthy. I am grateful for the life I live, but sometimes I would love to have a family, to feel a deeper connection to someone else.
My parents are no longer alive, the family members I still have either live far away or I don’t really have a lot of contact with, because we live such different lives and have different values. And my brother once again let me down this Easter by not showing up. So yes family holidays are no fun for me. And sometimes it is easy to deal with and sometimes it just hurts.
The second Easter Day was the annual Easter Egg Hunt, which I have been invited to for probably 10 years or so and I am so grateful to be invited and this is something I look forward to every year. I am happy to say that this year I broke my own record and found 55 chocolate eggs! The hunt is in a beautiful little park in Rotterdam and this year the weather was beautiful and the park just looked stunning in full bloom! After the hunt we always have lunch together. It is a group of friends and friends of friends and everyone who is invited by one of us is welcome to join. It is a lovely mix of friendly people and somehow I still manage to feel like the odd ball, or egg in this case. This year I wasn’t much in the mood for socializing, I have been a bit down lately, I am going through the motions of life but am not feeling much joy or like I am going anywhere. Even though it was a perfect day I felt like crying for feeling so empty and alone.
Not belonging
The old gaping wound of being bullied and shunned is now showing it’s ugly head and I am invited to alchemize this into beauty and grace.
So I decided to write about this. To let it out because this feeling of not belonging is consuming me from inside out.
We all seek to fit in in some way, we seek community of people like us as for a lot of us trying to fit in the larger society is opposed to what we find valuable. There is a dissatisfaction of not feeling valuable enough when we start comparing and contrasting our lives to other people’s. At the heart of it we all want to belong in some way, have people in our lives that get us and that we can count on and be totally ourselves with.
Black sheep
Even though I know I am a Black Sheep, I have always been, I never fitted in, I was always ‘the weird one’ even when I was very small and that led to severe bullying and no matter where I go I carry this wound as a big neon sign on my forehead and people respond to this whether they know it or not. And to be honest I think I gave up on trying to fit in, and being a square peg, has become who I think I am, because deep down I believe I don’t deserve to be accepted. I think deep down we all want to fit in somewhere, to finally belong, and I guess this struggle has made me lose sight of who I truly am. The desire to fit in is programed into us via culture and we are wired to be social, group animals so to speak. We need a tribe or we perish. And this is where you see people self-medicating. Trying to fill this gaping hole with food, drugs, alcohol, clothes, shoes, sex, etc. I try to channel my pain into art, journaling, this blog and my escape is books. Perhaps less destructive, but still not dealing with the underlying cause. Well journaling and making art is healthy, but it is still not connecting to others. Locking myself away with a paint brush or a book is not helping me belong.
Done with society
A part of me is done trying to fit in with a society that celebrates values and people I don’t believe in. I am not build to conform and submit. Though I still believe I fit in somewhere. There are other people like me. And I know I will find them. I just don’t know where and when. Perhaps I need to start building community myself. A place where we can be genuinely loved and cared for where we can receive and give back.
Trapped
This society has our time, hearts, and minds trapped in media, work, or just the pursuit of momentary gain. We should be expanding upon our spirit, our connection to nature, and our tribe. I am aware of this but for now I don’t see a clear way out of this trap and all feels a bit hopeless. I know I should show up more, as I feel I am on the outside looking in. What is happening in the world doesn’t feel real anymore (it never really has, but now it just a plain sloppy cheap movie with cardboard sets, shallow scripts and animated archetypes running the show). It is like watching a really bad B-film. And I find it very hard to show up and play my part at the moment, why want to fit into a society that is so broken.
“It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” – Krisnamurti
Complacency has covertly been instilled in us from youth. It’s a frustration that causes a lot of anxiety. When people around us deny our feelings, and declare our story behind the that feeling. It only creates a bigger divide.
Healing
I think the healing and moving forward again, starts with forgiving the choices we have made and accept the person we have become ourselves, first and foremost. And forgive ourselves for allowing and accepting this culture we live in to come to form. Forgive ourselves for complying out of fear, fear of being shunned and so we suppressed our innate selves and our responsibility to not comply. The change starts with us and with us forgiving ourselves and stop acting from those old wounds.
At the moment I am trying to make sense of what I am feeling and really am making an effort to feel what I am feeling instead of distracting myself. And this is painful and takes time. And a whole lot of love. I am the one who can set myself free, mind, body and soul and that is a lot of work, a lifetime of work. Thankfully I am not afraid of the dark and love playing in the shadows.
Life is about healing, growth and transformation. We are here to stop old patterns from continuing. And as this is a life time process it is important to take good care of yourself and not burn out. See the beauty in your path and keep showing up full of grace and forgiveness. Refocus on the beauty of this life, of this planet and be a conduit for love.
I know I am not alone and that helps. I hope you know you are not alone. We may feel alone, but we hold the power to connect, to seek connection, other people will not come and knock at our front door, we have to make an effort and to show up fully, genuinely and be open, even to having our hearts broken, once again. Life doesn’t come with guarantees. We are here to play and to love. To take chances. To grow. We are here to be a piece of the bigger puzzle. We all matter. We all need each other.
Be well. I love you.
