A friend of mine asked in a Whatsapp group what we would love to do but is not accepted (by ourselves or by society).
She is reading the wonderful The Artist Way and this was one of the morning pages exercises.
And lots of inspiring answers from friends filled the app in no time, such as having a food fight in a fancy restaurant and crashing a business party in a tight tigerprint suit and stilletos.
But I fell silent. No ideas came up.
It’s not that I don’t dare to as I have done a lot of “crazy” things in my life, somehow I just don’t feel the need. And that worries me. Why don’t I feel the need? Am I conforming? What is the deeper reason that I can’t think of anything I would like to do but don’t allow myself to do? Where is that naughty spark gone? I feel it is my Inner Child that forgot how to play… and that makes me sad, but grateful to come to this understanding.
Blueprint
It is not that I am such a puritan and never dis-behave, but I guess I am quite obedient. And that made me think. I am always so triggered by all the yes-men (and women), but I guess I am one myself. I tend to not want to rock the boat and want to see everyone happy. I have my Sun in Libra, Libra Ascendant, Venus in Leo, not that I am blaming it all on astrology, but for me it is a tool to help understand my blueprint. Now I don’t have to live by it, but it is my default setting so to speak.
Pleasant
And yes I like life to be nice, pleasant, and fair and therefor appear to be smoothing everything over, but have a need for dramatic self-expression, creative arts (Leo in Venus). Even if I strongly disagree with someone, I will try to find points of similarity and agreement rather than emphasizing the differences. I often avoid taking an extreme or one-sided stance on anything and same goes for my behavior. I have a strong desire for harmonious and pleasant relationships, and express a spirit of cooperation, compromise, friendship, and fairness. And I have a tendency to please and often will suppress my own intense or unpleasant feelings in order not to offend others. Sometimes my politeness is interpreted as phoniness or wishy-washiness. I am aware of that and I am working on being more assertive and stand up for myself, but I have to take note not too move the scales all the other way, trying go against the grain and being very protective of my thoughts and feelings, even a tendency to become pushy if I am not heard. So yes I am aware and doing my shadow work and that is also why I am sharing this here.
Anyway but this is not answering the question what I desire to do but am not allowed. Did I mention that I also love to go on tangents – and you know what that may be one of the answers, I know it is “not done” on blogs, to sway away from the subject, those are not “the rules”, but you know what this is my blog and I do as I wish.
So here goes:
If I would do what I am not “allowed” to do (by myself or others) I would…
- Be more assertive and would have stronger boundaries, I would not go out of my way to please other people and speak my mind and needs more often.
- I would stop saying sorry and feel so guilty for my existence. I always feel I have to apologize when I take up time and space and always feel the need to compensate in some way. I would just be unapologetically me. Now I guess I am me, but I apologize.
- Speak my truth (even more) freely about how I feel about this big game we are playing here on Earth, about all the lies and charades that are being played. I already do that but not as much as I could and did in the past. I don’t really wish to at this moment, because if you can’t see all that is wrong in this world, than I guess you will never see. I choose where and when to speak up and when to keep silent. I don’t want to play yes/no games. But I do sometimes want to say something, especially about sensitive issues that I know will make people lash out at me, so I chose to remain silent. If I would dare I would speak my truth no matter where I am and with who I am.
- I would love to stop playing the game, but this isn’t possible without getting into trouble and I don’t think that is helping anyone. And here I mean stop playing the money game, stop paying taxes, start using free energy, so stop playing by all the rules set by law. I guess live off the grid. But I know that is not for me as I am a social person and also it doesn’t feel right just walking away from the game without ending it properly. I think walking away doesn’t really help much unless you do it in large numbers. I would love everyone to live off the grid. Go back to a simpler, peaceful and fair way of living.
And here I draw another blank, are these truly my desires? I am either so far detached from my own deep wishes or I am already acting on them without blocking myself? I have always been a bit of a square peg, a sociatal misfit, a bit odd. I don’t mind being a bit different and if people think I am weird. So I guess that makes me perhaps a bit more free than others. I don’t know…
Life plan
I am also working on my life plan as it is important to know what you want in this life time and where you want to go as you create your life with every breathe you take. But I have no idea what I want and where I want to go and yes this makes me wishy-washy and floating around in this big ocean not knowing where it takes me. And even though this sound good as so many people are preaching about going with the flow, I feel it isn’t. I want to steer towards a beautiful lush island, I don’t want to float out here forever! But what island do I want to go to? What does it look like?
And as I am writing this a voice in the background whispers.
It is not that you don’t have an idea where you want to go, you are just afraid to desire it as you don’t want to be disappointed….OUCH!
So at this moment I can’t get in touch with my juicy desires such as having sex on a crowded beach (been there, done that and is not something I would like to repeat – ouch the sand!), burp in a fancy restaurant or sneakily hanging one of my art works at the Rijksmuseum. But I do think if I really wanted to do these things I probably would.
So may I ask you, please inspire others and me; What are your unaccepted wishes and desires? What would you like to do, but you don’t because something is stopping you, and can you define what is stopping you? What keeps you playing small and I guess conform to the norm?
Good but dry
And I feel called to take The Artist Way from the shelf and start the journey again as life feels good but somewhat dry. Here is my opportunity to bring back creative experiences into my world. And then just see what happens.
And do you have a life plan? And are you consciously creating from this plan, it always running in the background of all you put out?
I would love to know.
Thank you for sharing this space with me.
Until next time.
