Hello dear you,

Thank you for dropping by. How are you doing? How was your week?

If you want to share or respond, please feel free to do so in email or via the comments below. You are welcome!

Well I am still having my pity party. I am doing well though and I find it very insightful to write all the stuff in my head down, trying to make sense of it all. Now when I read back my blogposts I do often wonder if I should self-correct, delete lines, delete entire posts as they are too personal or vulnerable, etc. But I am done self-correcting and I am done pretending all is happy and wonderful. And you know most of the time it is (things always look way more dramatic on paper), but sometimes I allow some of that darkness, that shadow hidden deep within me to come forth as I know that is where the healing and power is. Not dark power, but hidden gems of light, hidden for I protected it from the world, to keep it safe. And because we fear our own power so much. So I think sharing is shining a light in this place, helping it come out of the dark and healing it and you may be going through similar issues as I am and you may feel less alone and be inspired to also shine your light on your shadow Self. So that is why I share all these ups and downs.

Let’s get real.

 

Hurt

So I had a bit of a – literally – bumpy week as I tripped and fell smack against a wall whilst decorating for a party I had been working hard on to prepare. Am a bit bruised and sore now, but at least my body now feels how I have been feeling on the inside for a while now. Hurt. Thankfully it wasn’t as bad as could’ve been as I made a funny turn with my body, head one way, body the other way. I still have all my teeth and nothing is broken. Just sore muscles, some scrapes and bruises, held an icepack to my face immediately so thankfully no swelling, so phew nothing that won’t heal. Also my ego had a nice smack falling at the office like this and having a bit of a sob. Also I had to leave the party as I had to go home as my head and body hurt to much. So yay an ego broken so more light can come through. And the same with my inside, my spirit. It may be bruised and broken now, but I know deep down that I am fine and whole.

A cry

This is just another layer of the process presenting itself, it was time apparently, and I know I am ready. The lessons don’t appear unless you are ready, or so they say. And we all have themes running through our life or even lives, that keep returning, in one form or the other. These ‘issues’ don’t just get cleared overnight. But when we pay attention we do recognize them and see them for what they truly are; a cry for love and compassion. Nothing more, nothing less. We as humans are so eager to do and fix. We can’t be with an issue long enough to see through it. It has to be fixed, and right now. Don’t interfere in the process too much. Let it be. Don’t hide it, or tuck it away under the carpet, but look it straight in the eyes and you will see that it’s harsh glare will soften. Even the hardest shell will crack in a compassionate gaze.

 

Tough love

And even though I know all of this and I do move through ‘stuff’ a lot easier than in the past, I have been going through some strange heavy melancholia lately. I experience a deep disappointment in myself. Another season gone and not much I have done in my eyes. And then I realize that it is not about doing, it is about being. And even though I know this there is still this part in myself that is so demanding and strict. Somehow it feels good to be hard on myself, tough love. Kicking myself in shape and order, that is what I know and I am so unfamiliar with softness and kindness, that I feel a bit lost sometimes on my new path of compassion and ease. When life goes well, I get restless. It always (ofcourse) so triggers me when other people are hard on themselves, when they punish and blame themselves, and this is always a reminder to ease up on myself. And I know that I am not a bad person who needs to be punished and I am also not a person who needs to be great and compete, I am quite happy in my little nook of the world. But why do I have this need to punish and restrict myself all the time for not being ‘good’ enough. And good enough for whom? So why am I so disappointed in myself? Why do I feel I need to do so much more or become someone I am not? why is being me, where I am at, not good enough for me?

Why

Well this is probably because I have a hard time receiving love, feeling loved. And I do have a deeper knowing and feeling that that is ‘just’ my ego talking and that something deeper in me feels perfect and perfectly love, it is just that pesky ego that really comes to the forefront every now and then, especially when I have been neglecting it for a while. And so here I go, calling it pesky, when it just wants to be loved. You know the ego is not ‘bad’, it is our friend and we so need the ego in this world, without it we would not get anywhere. So thank you ego for all you do for me and thank you ego for all the lessons you present me with! I am so grateful for you. But why do you feel so unloveable sometimes?

 

Unloveable

The first answers that come up fit in the ugly blame game, the rooted wounds. For example if my mother had to choose between my brother, her boyfriend/my stepfather or me, she would either pick John or my brother, that was always clear. My father choose his wife, or one of his (fake love in it for the money) wives in The Philippines. Even when he was dying I asked him to stay in The Netherlands, but he wanted to die in The Philippines with his new family. And also friendwise, I am no -one’s bestie – I have a bestie but I am not her bestie. Every time she says or writes something about her best friend (as in calling her her best friend) I feel a stab in the heart. I know she does not do this on purpose, she is not even aware of what this makes me feel like and I know that this is something I need to heal and for f*ck’s sake I know it is not a competition! I know this is childish and useless, but it still hurts, and that also makes me feel double bad, the guilt of admitting to feeling this and the pettyness of it all. I guess I just want to be a special person for someone, but as I think and write this I know that this is not really important and I know that this is just wounded ego acting up and I know that as long as I don’t love myself, I am not ever going to have balanced relationships. It will be loving with a hook. And that is why I am still single. It is a choice. As long as I am not fully loving myself, including the part that I find myself attractive, I will not find a partner that truly loves me. I know that. And to be honest at the moment I just find it very hard to believe someone would find me attractive. I do well on the inside part, but when I look in the mirror, that is a whole other story. Can’t really love what I see, most of the time. And then I punish myself again because I know looks aren’t important, blah blah… well you probably know the drill….
So yes I guess I also fear(ed) love as it was so unfamiliar. It sort of still is, damnit, so unfamiliar. Accepting love from others that is and yes to be honest to fully loving myself.
And you know none of that matters, as long as I don’t love and fully accept myself. As you can see with famous people, they are loved and adored by many, but they are still so miserable, because they feel like a sham, because they can’t truly see and feel themselves that way. So they feel like frauds and start acting up so people will not think of them highly anymore as that feels so much safer.

Loveable

I know I am just as loveable as anyone else, but why is it so hard for me to receive that. Because honestly deep down I think I still don’t believe I am worthy and lately I have been feeling quite depressed and questioning the sense of it all. Why?! Why am I here, the same old question that has been haunting me all my life? What am I doing here? Wasting the precious time I have as  Charissa on this planet. What does Charissa really want? I guess she just wants to love and be loved and feel like she is living a life that is of some use. I know that life is a mystery and all our lives are of use, even though we don’t see the bigger picture. And oh our egos all want to be so important and do great things. I know this is just my wounded ego crying. Writing helps me make sense of what I am feeling so I am just free typing this, no editing, see what comes up. So what if it is just that just love and be loved. Period.

 

So what if?

So bottom line is I need to love me, be my own bestie, be own father and mother. Love me. And so do you! Love you and all else will follow.

And please know that it isn’t all as black & white and as ‘bad’ as I state here, as explored above, there are so many layers to this process. Things always seem more severe on paper, but yes these thoughts have crossed my mind the past weeks. I have healed a lot of this and I am not going around hating myself. Really I am not. Hey there are even days when I look in the mirror and I love the person I see. I even dare to say that I love myself, but not yet unconditionally, that I am working on. Good thing is that the focus is now on myself and I am not going out of my way to make people like me anymore, be someone I am really not to please others and I don’t take a whole lot personal, but healing goes in layers and this at times rears it’s deeply buried wounded head.

And yes I am so very grateful for all the blessings and beautiful people in my life. My life is pretty good and I know a lot of wonderful people. I am truly blessed and I do see that. There are so many angels in my life that support me and that make my heart sing. So I don’t want to seem ungrateful. And again about my parents, I know I write a lot of ‘bad’ stuff about them, but they were truly loving and kind people, but as everyone else, wounded in their own way and as children you can’t help to be influenced by that. So Mama and Papa please forgive me as I forgive you for all the stupid things we have said and felt towards each other. I do so very much love you and that is why the missing is so overwhelming at times. I love you.

 

And all my friends, online, in real life, in the next life, I love you. I really do.

Now putting this on ‘paper’ makes it seem more harsh then it really is. This is not something I am consciously questioning all the time. But the fact is that this program is subconsciously running the show in the background and therefor influencing my life greatly.

As I wrote in this blogpost: https://www.joyincreation.com/2018/09/07/liver-lessons-what-my-body-is-teaching-me/ the medicine is compassion.

As tarot is my favorite tool of empowerment and it helps me tap into my intuition I decided to do some exploring on the theme of compassion. Where am I expressing, receiving and blocking compassion. How can I become a better receiver and sender, a conduit for compassion.

 

 

  1. Your wild compassion
  2. The strength of your compassion
  3. The vulnerability of your compassion
  4. How to nurture your compassion
  5. The area of your life that needs more compassion

I used the spread as developed by Weaver Tarot . You can find many spreads online, but you can always create your own. If you find this challenging you may try this book to get you started: https://www.amazon.com/365-Tarot-Spreads-Revealing-Magic/dp/0738740381 or this very cool deck: https://www.amazon.com/Deck-1000-Spreads-Creating-Situation/dp/0738733393/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1536940258&sr=1-1&keywords=1000+spreads

Use your imagination and what feels good for you and if a spread found on the internet resonates use that. That is why people share them, to help others.

And I was inspired to use this spread to help me inquire into the theme of compassion in my life. Especially self compassion, as from here compassion for others flows naturally.

So these are the cards that came up for me:

 

So “wild compassion is the art of fully loving yourself and others whilst being fully connected to yourself and nature” (quote from Weaver Tarot).

  1. Five of Pentacles (RX) – my wild compassion is hope returning, recovery, having the courage to ask for help and give second changes, but I do know when to stop giving them. Second changes don’t mean third, forth, fifth…I need to mind my boundaries. My wild compassion is to notice how my inner energy impacts, creates and contributes to external outcomes. I need to know when to let go and that loss isn’t always bad.
  2. Nine of Wands (RX) – the strength of my compassion is that my boundaries, structures and internal focus may have supported me, they amy also keep me trapped. I need to be mindful of any judgement toward myself and others. Let go of routines and expectations. Have fun! Play!
  3. Ace of Wands – the vulnerability of my compassion is the urge to create, the ongoing flow of inspiration. I have great creative energy and I need to take action on it and don’t mull it over too long. I tend to be overwhelmed by ideas and don’t know what to choose, so I end up doing nothing or wasting too much time deciding. So overwhelm and confusion and the burden of responsibility also restrains me.
  4. Seven of Wands – how to nurture my compassion – this card speaks of solo projects, me-time, no competition. So going my own way and taking plenty of time to be alone, silent, listen to my own needs. To trust my own inner source of light, stand tall and be the light. Trust mySelf and my vision and discard fears and doubt and speak with power and ♥ so others may hear me.
  5. Four of Cups – the area of my life that needs more compassion is my sense of discontent, lack and emptiness. Working hard and feeling entrapped, all work no play. Also regrets of paths not taken. I need to understand and respect my desires and make powerful choices about my life. Decisions need to be made. So what am I truly desiring?

 

Lot’s of wands, no major arcana cards and no swords. So cards that tell about my daily life, and lots of fire is my medicine; primal energy, spirituality, inspiration, determination, strength, intuition, creativity, ambition and expansion.

So in short, do what feels right in the moment, don’t overthink, be spontaneous, follow my passion, don’t be afraid to burn bridges, trust my own unique Self and play and let go!

Figure out what I truly desire (at this moment) and go for it!

Thank you for sticking with me through this very long post, wasn’t planning on making it this long, but it needed to come out. Thank you for your support and seeing me. This means so much to me…you have no idea. So much love and big hug xxx