Hiya!
I hope you are well. Again apologies for a bit of blogging irregularity. I am working through another layer of healing and I need time (away from the computer) to integrate and heal. I will record another ChaChaChat this weekend and I can’t wait to catch up with you.
Vulnerable
Now this place is my home, a place where I feel free to share and be vulnerable. I think that is important. There is already too much pretending online. I am here raw and authentic. This is me and the scars of my life, healing and shedding and I hope evolving and inspiring. And that is why I share to, to heal myself and others.
So at the moment I am working through issues concerning my liver. Some ‘old’ problems have been bothering me again and I went for a test. Turns out my liver is only functioning at 20%. The energy of this organ is alarmingly low and I need to heal the physical, energetic and spiritual causes so I can receive energy again. I can’t hold on to energy, it moves through me, I give it away, I don’t receive. I need to receive life. A red threat that has been leading my life. The want to live. The wanting to be here. Fully.
So sitting in meditation I received this, that a toxic liver represents a person’s fundamental fear of life itself. A person with a toxic or diseased liver is probably questioning whether they even want to be alive. They are deeply depressed and afraid they will never fulfill their purpose. They believe they have already failed and would like this journey to end as quickly as possible. A diseased or damaged liver is one of the fastest ways to shorten one’s life. Fundamentally, this is denial of one’s value.
Yikes, that hurts!
Attention
I have just gone through old (years back) emails to practitioners and to my mother and wow time flies, these liver issues have been brought to my attention ever since I had typhus in Bali in 2011, the liver after this showed abnormalities and issues of severe migraines happened (weekly very heavy migraine attacks), hair loss, constipation, no more menstruation and tiredness. And even though the tests showed an affected liver, I always underestimated this. I thought oh well the liver will regenerate. So I went to focus on other organs and went to chiropractitioners for my neckpains/migraines, had my intestines examined, had bowel flushes, went on all sorts of diets etc. but now I see so clearly that if I heal the liver, I heal all these issues. My only fear now that I hope it is not too late. More tests next week to see how far it has been affected (as it has been an unattended issue for so long) and see how and if we can gently nurture and nourish it back to life. I never gave my liver, my life, the attention it deserves.
The liver is the largers gland/organ in our body and has over 500 functions.
Drowning the pain
I feel this issue is also about my parents. And yes I know I am a bore for keep bringing up my parents, and no I am not blaming them for all the woos in my life. But I do ‘believe’ that a lot of stuff we deal with is programming from our surrounding and that we carry a family lineage. Also I ‘believe’ that we have the power to decide if we want to continue this or is we step out and release it. Therefor identifying the root is important. So my Mom and Dad, they both liked a drink and therefor I have always been careful around alcohol. I seldom drank more than one glass and the wine glass I have at home I have marked at 150 ml so I would never drink more than that on a day. This is how anal I am towards alcohol! I have always had a strange relationship around alcohol and always felt guilty and comforted at the same time when I drank. But through the years I also developed this great curiosity and passion for wines. The way wine develops, lives, the alchemy of it, always fascinated me. And I really do love the taste (not the alcohol). In the past I studied wine and I have my Court of Master Sommeliers Level II. I used to go to wine events, read wine magazines and go on wine holidays and I also have a great interest in Whisk(e)ys. So having to let this go is a thing for me. But I have been 6 days sober now and I feel fine, haven’t had the urge to drink and no jitters, then again I never drank much, the last time I was drunk is a long long time ago. I am fortunate that I don’t have an addictive personality and that I have great self control (mind you I had Anorexia for so many years, this takes lots of self control belief you me). I don’t know if this liver issue means never drinking a drop again, we will see. I believe I first need to heal the feelings around alcohol, the guilt, my parent’s pain, before I can and will drink again. If I ever will. Perhaps the self control is the issue here…who knows.
Addictions = attachments
But now saying I don’t have an addictive personality is a bit hypocritical as I believe that everyone has at least one addiction. In spiritual terms they might also be identified as attachments, and most of us could accept that we all have some kind of attachment. Everyone also has fears, and addiction can be a way in which we play out some of our most deep-seated fears. I certainly do! So, in our self-healing journey, it is important to be honest with ourselves about our addictions and attachments if we want to heal; and then it is important to be committed and gentle as we address our most profound fears. Those fears arise from wounds that may have occurred when we were children or took place before this life-time. They are legitimate and deserve our dedicated and tender care.
Isn’t it ironic
Irony is not lost on me (even though I am lacking iron as well 😉 ) as I am invited to heal the liver with food. And I damaged my body a lot in the past by denying food in my Anorexia time, this probably also caused a lot of damage in my body. A lack of protein also damages the liver. Now still I hardly ever eat meat and legumes are not my favorite food and I never understood vegetarian meat look-a-likes and I avoid soy so yes I probably don’t get enough proteins, only from cheese, eggs, vegetables and nuts. So I am now eating lots of beans and adding protein powders to my breakfast. But it is a bit ‘ironic’ (or ‘not fair’) that I am dealing with health issues as I do have a healthy lifestyle. I only use natural cosmetics and cleaning agents, no fluoride, no medicines, I eat and drink organic, I eat lots of fruit and vegetables, drink lots of water, I work out daily, start the day with yoga and meditation, practice pranayama, walk in nature, sleep at least 8 hours a night, etc. etc. I am actively working on my health. But fair is fair perhaps it is the rigid energy around it? The working, the must do right…yes the pieces are coming together, bit by bit, re-membering.
Anger and frustration
“Funny” thing is that when you research the liver, anger issues come up. And my first response is, “but I am not angry!” And well I always have had a problem with anger. Not that I am angry all the time, no quite the opposite the problem is that I have a hard time getting angry (and yes that is the key here!!!). Anger is a natural emotion, but our thoughts that cause anger, our thoughts about anger, and our attitudes and beliefs about anger, are usually anything but natural and normal. I have tried yelling, screaming, accessing this anger, but I just start to giggle. It feels so weird and not me. Reminds me, my father never got angry. It was so frustrating and I re-member trying to anger him because I wanted a response from him. Any response! Only once was he angry at me, and I will never forget that moment, I ran for my life, it was like he transformed into something else, eyes blazing, I ran for my life and remember my mother screaming, she thought he was going to kill me. This was the only time I saw him truly angry and it scared me so much. I may have vowed back then never to lose my temper. My mother used to scream and shout at at my father just to get a response. He was so passive aggressive and would shut the door on you or walk away. He avoided confrontation. I guess I do too. I bent over backwards to keep the peace and not hurt anyone’s feelings. Anyone’s but my own. But, what if I speak my mind, and express what I am feeling, with kindness and compassion, it will almost always strengthen a relationship, and if it doesn’t, that might not be a relationship I want to keep. Wow that simple! I guess I swallowed a lot of crap throughout my life. I must have a lot of pent-up anger inside of me, inside my liver and I now need to find a healthy way of channeling this. I don’t even know what or who I am angry with anymore. I guess with myself, it is always the self, never the other, others are mirrors, the cause is always the self, who else. Now frustration, perhaps yes that is more of an energy I connect with and a good place to start. It represents an attitude of resistance to change. But at the moment I am too tired to get worked up about anything and feel very impassive. But I am curious and I will start feeling into the energy of anger and frustration, let me see what shows it self. Why am I so scared of my anger? What am I hiding? Interesting…
Softness
The liver symbolizes psychic changes and transforms them into growth and spiritual evolution, and the processing of experiences and emotions, the liver shows us how we can purify primitive emotions and use new building blocks to live in harmony and joy again. The liver symbolizes the power of man to master the unconscious, emotions, by relying on these processes of change. Actively build a peaceful existence. The liver represents faith and trust in ourselves, for our processing of experiences. Gaining insight leads to understanding and letting go. It is a symbol for giving yourself the opportunity to grow to more joy, peace and happiness. In the case of disorders of the liver, forces, emotions and productive energies are suppressed. There are deep fears, a feeling of inability, stagnation. There is no trust in the own Source, so that certain people and situations are avoided and the person is therefor cut off from the deepest Self. The fears are a signal that a person is on the wrong track, because emotions are being held and the past is not being processed. It is time to get into action and search for creative self-development. A person is not powerless and by making yourself master over yourself you grow in softness and peace to yourself and you can allow a new turn in your life. Truth is simplicity, so get rid of everything that’s too much for you, and find freedom, understanding, love, and trust in yourself.
In 2013 on an intuitive painting holiday in France, this painting emerged, called Zacht Zijn – Being Soft/Gentle – and this has been a theme that has been very present in my life from that time on. The softening into Self. It hangs in my bedroom and is the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.
The remedy
There is only one remedy and that is compassion. Mary Magdalene offers from profound wisdom about compassion and what it takes to truly forgive yourself and others.
Poooo I just sort of ‘came up’ with this information and it hurts my ego. It hurts to see the truth and it is hard not to feel like a failure. But that is where it all begin. Me feeling like a failure, not good enough…so that is here to be healed. Writing this blog is helping me make sense of it all. Piece it all together and hold myself accountable. No more sweeping it under the table, suppressing my feelings and insights.
Gulp…hard to swallow, hard to digest. And how naked I feel now, sharing this with you. I feel mixed emotions of failure, hopelessness, strength, hope, inspiration and sadness.
Right after the bodyscan results were shared with me I felt defeated and down, I was in a state of grief and sadness, a daze, but now a few days on I am grateful for this wake up call! I will heal myself. Peeling another layer and shed more skin, shedding what is keeping me down. I really needed to be called back on track!
Thank you for still reading. Sharing and coming ‘clean’ about what I am going through is helping the healing and opening up to another reality.
Wish me luck and strength and lots of compassion and forgiveness for I love life and my liver!
Thank you.
Healing Affirmations
”There is a joyous release of the past. Life is sweet and so am I.”
”I release any and all deep-rooted blame.”
”My mind is cleansed and free. I leave the past and move into the new.”
”I release all the traumas and emotional shocks which have resulted in this blaming attitude.”
”I forgive myself.”
”I am peace.”
